The Bålsgörn Husband Crate

Don't be fooled. IKEA is not a hub for reasonably priced household furniture, accessories, and doodads with vaguely Swedish sounding names. It is the dark side, the Death Star, the cause of more marital bickering than a gaggle of tipsy women talking about discontinued lipstick shades during the grand final.

IKEA is the place where couples go to prove that they really, truly love each other.

As well as being the one true test of relationship resilience, IKEA is also a retailer. In fact, IKEA is a big, successful retailer, and they have special sorcery calculated to separate you from your money while filling your home with this season’s array of furniture and gadgetry you didn't know you needed.

It helps to acknowledge that in this battle of you versus IKEA, you won't win. Ever.

Having said that, there are ways to make the IKEA experience less testing, less traumatic, though it may require committed research and meticulous planning. A half-hearted chat in the car during inevitable laps of the carpark won't cut it. But planning is covered in the second law of IKEA, so let's back up.

There are pretty nifty services at IKEA. Did you know that they will pick your order for you, so you don't have to deal with Flatpack Self-Serve Hell? It costs, but isn't your relationship worth it?

Unless your IKEA escapade is exclusively for recreational purposes* - in which case my best advice is to try something saner, like licking peanut butter off Gordon Ramsay's filleting knife - preparation is the key to success.

Manage your expectations with these handy tips:

1. 1. An IKEA adventure is not an impulse thing. At least 12 hours prior to your mission, answer these questions:

Why are you going there? Do you want to browse, buy things, or is this a recreational* visit? Have your objective clear in your mind. 

Who are you going with? Do they have to be there? Do they want to be there? IKEA is cheaper and faster when less people are involved, and reluctant tourists will slow you down and cost you money.

2. If you're hoping to buy things, get on the IKEA website. You can make a shopping list online, complete with stock numbers, which you can print out and take with you. This may not actually help, but will make you feel more in control.

3. Partners, spouses, flatmates, interior designers - take note: If there is any negotiating to be done, negotiate before you leave home. Agree on exactly what you want. (See point 2 about the website.) You don’t want to cause a scene in the lighting department because Grümpska lampshades come in two different shades of grey.  People who cause scenes in Ikea should expect to be the object of muffled whispers and pitying looks from the thousands of people shuffling past on their way to the Storage Solutions. You’ve been warned.

4. "I don't care. Get whatever the fuck you want" is only acceptable at Tiffany's. Say that at IKEA, and you might as well just head for the car park, sit in the Bålsgörn Husband Crate and wait. Nothing you do or say will be right for a very long time.

5. While you probably wouldn't take your children to IKEA, please remember that in suburbia, the number of children outweighs the number of available, affordable, trustworthy babysitters by some distance. There will be kids. Besides, kids love IKEA...until they get to the Laundry Department, when they've run out of patience and jammed one of those short Wudenstikt pencils up the baby's nose. That's another story. You can minimise the munchkin factor by avoiding IKEA on weekends and during school holidays...but you'll still have to navigate around trolleys, prams, strollers, toddlers, resentful teens and their extended families, all moving forward at a glacial pace.

6.  It takes at least two-three hours to get through IKEA . Allow at least four hours, and five on weekends, plus time to park the car, and refreshment time. Every IKEA is very cleverly set out: you have to follow a sneaky snaky path designed to maximise your exposure to every one of their eleventy billion produktärden and deny you any chance to make an early exit. (God help us all if there's a fire in an Ikea store!) Resistance is futile.

7. As you're going to be there longer than the total duration of a Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie marathon, you'll want to be comfortable. Anything this side of wearing tights as pants is acceptable.  You won't be the worst dressed there. 

8. Set a budget. Refer to the shopping list you created (See Point 2) and multiply that by the number of people going to IKEA with you, times the number of hours you will be there. That's about how much you'll spend. Blame the Doodleskådts that you couldn't live without.

9. Approach the Restaurant with extreme caution, and a pocket full of Quickeze. The Köttbuller may contain traces of food, along with ... no, some things are better left unthought. And the hotdogs and drinks near the exit? They act as a distraction while you're looking for your car.

10. Your car will not be where you think you left it...but it doesn't matter because you've got a hot dog, a cold drink and a trolley load of flat packs and kernöckenarken up the wåzoo...and you're still married! Huzzah!

* Note - If you're really just going for fun, we cannot be friends.

Stay tuned for "The Allen Key versus the Optimism Bias" and other tales of life with Ikea.